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These thoughts were spurred by a recent sermon series through the book of James. The writer talks about being stedfast, asking in faith and not doubting. He talks about the rich and their struggles because the rich man is “double minded, unstable in all his ways.”

From these words, the speakers develop the thoughts like, “Having more than one allegiance is bad” and “We’re not meant to be in between worlds.”

They were mostly talking about money and wealth. I expanded the concept in my mind to include sexuality. I did make that leap and if it is exegetically improper, I am prepared to recant something.

Otherwise, here are my thoughts.

 

Christians seem to not like in between people. Lukewarm, double minded, of unsure calling. Whatever they call them. They like their categories and absolutes. Seems the have a low tolerance for anyone questioning or indecisive.

So where does that leave me? I am he that walks between worlds. I see both ways. I am a Christian who fears God. I am a man of fluid gender identity who loves men. I didn’t choose to be gay but I did choose to live in the married Christian life.

I suppose my once-upon-a-time thought was that the gay part of me would go away.

Five years later, I’m still between worlds. My questions unresolved, my longings unmet. Longings growing every stronger. Still feeling alone and not understood.

Do I even belong in the Christian community?

People tend to be kind and accepting when I come out to them. Then politely forget about me and never speak of my orientation again, not unless I bring it up. Then life comes up, other unrelated stressors, other topics of interest. Pressing needs that are more urgent like money and work and school and health and babies. I suppose people assume I’m ok because I act happy.

Do I even belong here with the people of God? Or did God Himself set me up to not fit in with His people? His people who have little room for anyone different than them. I can do all their “Right” behaviors, but that’s usually all the are. Behaviors.

Meanwhile, the longings to fully exercise and balance both sides of me never go away, no matter how much faith practice I practice.

They would call me double-allegianced and say I’m condemned. But I didn’t ask to be of double allegiance. This way was thrust upon me.

I don’t believe any one person can fully satisfy on other person.

 

And then I have to stop and think about what exactly my allegiance to the gay community is. I’m not in a gay relationship, never have been. I have the longings and the attractions for other men and the related emotional patterns so am able to connect easily with other men like me.

But as long as I keep my mouth shut, no one would ever know.

And there’s not like a creed or code of conduct that the queer community is obliged to follow, not like there is for the Scripture people.

I wonder if maybe the only pull the queer community has on me is the gender I’m attracted to. If I wasn’t gay, maybe I would just be your average horny, restless, lonely, bad-at-commitment guy. I hate to think of myself that way, but that might be the case. Maybe I’d still feel the feelings I feel if I was completely straight.

Is all that sets me apart from other Christians a gender preference? That doesn’t eliminate or change any of the heart longings and that means that my struggles are not qualitatively different from those of any man around me.

If that’s the case…maybe I’m not as special as I thought.

On the other hand, what if I’m trivializing my situation?

What makes a gay relationship different from a straight relationship, other than the physical bodies involved?

And if the bodies involved are the only difference, then is this whole issue about tastes and preferences? And maybe all I have to deal with is a preference I don’t get to have? Do I just need to suck it up and stop complaining?

Or are there deeper things at play?

Meanwhile, my question still stands. Do I belong with the people of God?

I dunno.

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