Things I like today.
Mixing cold cereal.
Cold pizza, homemade.
Guys with eye liner.
Not answering my phone.
Things that make me uneasy:
Food that doesn’t go bad.
I had the most peculiar experience on Sunday. I went to church and was hideously bored. That same evening I went to yoga. We did work on releasing the chakras. I went home feeling so awake and alive and at peace.
Isn’t that backwards?
Okay, in all fairness, this Sunday was a member’s meeting day. I’m still not accustomed to being in a church with official membership. My childhood church experiences were, after all, churches where pastors regularly wore sandals and Hawaiian shirts and sat on stools instead of standing behind pulpits. Anyway, I figured being membered with a community would be a good thing. I’d have voting privileges and get to say I am part of something. The way it plays out, sometimes it just feels like lots of talking about lots of details. Not being intimately involved in the nuances of church administration…let’s just say I’m still adjusting to the environment.
Yoga the same night was extraordinary. In truth, this was my first ever real yoga class. Dim room, candles, soft tuneless music, a faint hint of incense. More than a dozen limber people seeking to unleash and balance the core chakras. I was excited to already know most of the poses presented and be able to do all of them. More than that, I broke a sweat! I never sweat anymore! Afterwards I felt sore! You know how long it’s been since my whole body has been sore from exercise?
The only downfall was I didn’t wear my loosest pants.
But I left the studio feeling awake and alert and alive and all my anxiety from church that morning had melted away. I felt like a human again.
I want to go back.
I don’t really know what dynamics are playing out here. Is it that I’m burned out on church from spending a whole life time in it? Is it that I’m disillusioned with church after finding that, much as I fake it well, I don’t fit their mold?(What exactly is the shelf life for a gay man in a conservative church?) Is it just that I like adventure and new things and the yoga world is adventurous and new?
Could it be that the traditional church practice really doesn’t offer all it promises in peace and joy and satisfaction? And do understand me here, I’m not questioning Jesus…just the regular church format.
In the end, I feel frustrated because I feel like I’m supposed to love the church and be continuously enriched by her, but usually I’m not and I find loveable enriching things in all the places where the church said I wouldn’t. Places like the Yoga world.
In all fairness, my spiritual practice has not been very consistent as of late. I’m sure that illegitimizes my complaints to some degree. But still.