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Had a really long day yesterday and a really weak morning this morning. Yesterday being the kind of that left me emotionally depleted. I get that way sometimes by the end of my work day. Then I get scared because I wonder…how am I supposed to now nurture my family? Right now my family is just one person, but very soon will be two other people. Two very special and beautiful and wonderful people. I worry sometimes about how well I’ll be able to love them.
Part of the tiredness isn’t just emotional or physical, but actually in my eyes. I spent many many  minutes each day in front of a screen or under fluorescent lights or looking at grey clouds. (Part of why wearing color is so important to me; it counteracts the grey) I’m so glad to not be watching shows and movies at home right now because my eyes are guaranteed some break from the screen.
Also, I’m finding that I get more rest, physically and mentally, by not checking out for hours at a time each evening. My soul is nourished by conversation, cuddling or creativity. I’ve been writing as much as I can, which isn’t always a lot, and it is more eye-on-screen time, but my soul feels so alive when I do it! Also I’ve been bouldering more, which has definitely added to my tiredness, but hanging onto rocks when upside down has a remarkable clearing effect on the mind.
I miss movies and shows a little. Not that I don’t love having that time back and having the mental clarity…but I’m starting to look forward to when I can have my media back. There’s even some days when I plan what shows I will watch after Lent. Maybe this defeats the purpose. Why take away a behavior if all you’re gonna do is think about the behavior you’re not doing?
Which brings me back to principles of addictions and problem behaviors. You can’t quit a  “problem” or “sinful” or “addictive” behavior without replacing it with something righteous and healthy and better. As Mr. Spock once said, “Nature abhors a vacuum.” Similarly, so does the soul. There can be no perpetual absence of anything. There will either be good deeds and thoughts, or bad deeds and thoughts.
Fun texting dynamic. When I stop texting, our housemate starts texting my wife instead of me with small details he would have texted to me.
JB texted me from an airport about something funny he saw. I laughed. Then didn’t text him back. Didn’t call him back either. If I texted him back, all I would have said was, “Wow. Lol…” Somehow that doesn’t seem worth a phone call. Like a conversation of only two lines doesn’t merit voice time. Wondering what this says about how we view our words and conversations. How many words do we need to say to call a dialogue a good conversation?

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